I had a group of friends; some people called them a gang but to us it was a family. We looked out for each other. I was always shaking and scared before I did anything bad, but afterwards I?d get an adrenalin rush and praise I wasn?t getting anywhere else, and it made me feel better. Gang life was the closest I could get to love from my dad.
One night when I was 20 the police came to my door and arrested me for an alleged assault. They dropped that charge, but held me in the cells and came back later with two robbery charges. I swear on my life I did not do those two robberies, however I do believe in karma and I had done some robberies before.
I got three years, six months. I went to Holloway. I wouldn?t wish my worst enemy there, but if I hadn?t been sent to prison I never would have got my life together. It turned me into a go-getter. It doesn?t do that for everyone but it did it for me because of the support and connections I got in there.
The education was phenomenal. I did creative writing, and the staff put me in contact with the Clean Break theatre company. I got involved in writing a docudrama about prison life that went on to tour the country. It made me reflect on my life and want to set my path right. Not a day goes by when I am not sorry for the harm I have done in the past, but I cannot change the past, and I cannot beat myself up anymore.
Coming out of prison in 2000 was very frightening. I?d missed my daughter inside. She was five when I went in and seven when I came out. She?d been in temporary foster care and I?d only seen her twice as I didn?t want her to see me in there. I had to work hard to prove I could be a good parent. I was 23, and for the first time I had goals.
I went straight to Clean Break where one of the counsellors made me aware I had a pattern of self-sabotage. Once I?d identified that, I decided to change. I also wanted to stop other people going down a similar path, and in 2003 I set up Reality Bytes. We do a lot of work with gang members and young people in prison.
We give them transferable skills and show them how to communicate. I talk in a language they understand and, as a bad girl come good, I?m living proof that people can change.
I surprise even myself that I?ve come through all the challenges, and in all honesty life is a continued struggle. Young people say if you have labels on you you cannot do anything. But I was a teenage mother and I am an ex-offender, yet I now have the life I want.
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