I thought, 'Someone up there wants me to stay alive. I should try to do that from now on and work it out.? I lay there in cold water thinking, 'I have got to sort my stuff out: what baggage can I dump easily? I cannot easily change myself, but I can dump booze.?
I found a counsellor and he recommended Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). I tried it, but it didn?t work for me. Part of the reason I?d got myself into such a mess was because I was always getting too involved in other people?s lives and had not paid enough attention to my own. I?d been having relationships with addicts, and if you get involved with an addict you never mean as much to them as the drink or drugs do.
I?d spent hours on end listening to other people?s problems but felt no one was really listening to mine. I?d had it with other people?s problems, but that?s what AA is all about.
So I went off and did things my own way one step at a time. First I stopped drinking at home, and then one night ? 12 September 2002, a date I will never forget ? I thought, 'I am going out sober.? I went to a friend?s birthday and it was OK. I watched as other people became very loud, and I didn?t stay out late. Back home, I thought, 'Wow, I?ve been out for the evening and not had a drink ? how amazing. I am going to stay like that.?
I wouldn?t describe myself as sorted, though. I do still get depressed, but it?s a lot less bad than when I was out partying. I am very proud I haven?t slipped off the wagon; there were a few periods I easily could have, like when my father died a few years ago, but I have stuck to it.
If you go to a party and see a woman with a mug surrounded by people with glasses of wine, that?s me. I like tea; it?s become my trademark.
It?s funny because in my party years, if someone had the temerity to go home at three in the morning, my friends and I would phone them up at 7am when we were still going strong and shout, 'Lightweight!? Now I am a permanent lightweight, and some of my former friends are saying, 'Oh, she?s boring,? but I don?t care. I can walk into all sorts of situations ? stressful, exciting, naughty ? that they would need a drink to be able to get through, so they are the lightweights, I think.
Tania Glyde is the author of Cleaning Up: How I Gave Up Drinking and Lived (Serpents Tail, �10.99)
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